I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
