Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
