Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
