my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
