so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I love you. Go after that dick
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize