Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
