Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
