WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
