he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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