made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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