Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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