My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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