Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
