It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
