Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
