i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
