I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
