i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
