They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
