Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
