Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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