If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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