Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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