Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So squirting runs in the family.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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