Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Boobs are out for the taking
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
