It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize