I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My cat gives me a boner
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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