What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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