Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
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