if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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