I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
