I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
