I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I think I won the penis lottery.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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