Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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