I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
whose parrot is this?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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