I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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