A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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