just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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