Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
