i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize