I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
