3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we're making bets on your personal life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
