i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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