I wish I could teleport
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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