That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
