i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
