Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
