I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
