After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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