I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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