im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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