forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
