standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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