WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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