So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
