Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
